timing is everything

So my oldest daughter called a few weeks ago and was in love with a VW Beetle. Out of the blue to me, but being 25, impulse buying is still to be expected. She found one on craigslist, a good buy, tan with black convertible top, a 2003. To her, it was perfect. And with a little coaching from mom and dad, she was off for a test drive, of course she loved it. She did find a mechanic to take it too, just to be sure. He found one little problem, the automatic transmission had a problem and needed to be replaced! Good thing she had it checked. Of course she was heart broken, but we assured her there would be another one, just the one God wanted her to have, if she was patient. Hmmm 25 and patient. Anyone see a problem here.

Well a week later, after much searching on the net, another car exactly like it came available at a dealer, with a few less miles, but same color, etc. But it was at a dealer....so given a little coaching from family and friends, off she went. Of course it was perfect, drove great, etc....one small problem. The price was more than she was going to spend. Told to wait and be patient....she did...for awhile. Then about a week later she was getting very antsy. She just had to have that car, she would get a bigger loan, etc. I was headed up to Seattle that weekend, so I told her to wait, and I would go with her to look around. She was sure this was the car.

Then, the night before I left for Seattle, her call came in. Her best friends husband, who is a top car salesman in Seattle, had a VW just come on the lot. One owner, super low miles, and ultra clean. They went over it with a fine tooth comb! And best of all, it was less than the first car she looked at and in much better condition. No negotiating, they just said they would treat her like family, sell the car for this much, making this much profit and it was good to go! And it is a great VW Beetle, a very nice blue, with brand new tires and brakes. It was a very good deal.

So that night, despite her being 'all growed up' at 25, came the teachable moment. Trust in God. He has your best interest at heart. In every area of your life, He cares.

And that teachable moment was pointed right back at me. For it is a struggle to plan on changes that are going to occur. At times I am overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. But I have nothing else, no, I have no one else, to hold on to except that weird Jesus guy! And best of all, I find He is holding on to me.

50 is half a hundred

Funny how a few years ago you look forward to something and then when it gets there, life has changed so much that you wish the day started and ended all at the same time. Today is that day for me. And the weather fits perfect, gray and rainy.

But on the bright side at least now I can get discounts on auto insurance, motel rooms, etc!

I do know this, faith is when you still believe despite of what is laid before you. And I still believe.

Closer than a brother

Quick, name your favorite song about friendship? Here are some to consider:
Lean On Me Bill Withers
That's What Friends Are For Dionne Warwick
You've Got A Friend James Taylor
Thank You For Being A Friend Andrew Gold
With A Little Help From My Friends The Beatles
Friends Michael W. Smith

Proverbs 18:24 states: A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. But what exactly does Proverbs 18 look like in real life? Not the quick "hi, how are you" conversations at church in the entry, not the "great game last night" conversations, but the "no, really, how are you" conversations. Lately I have noticed some 'friends' have become distant as the battle I'm going through has gone on. Some have made quick turns at church to avoid me. Others that a year or so ago would have enjoined me in conversation simply give a quick smile and head nod and off they go. So I've been asking God why, and what should I do about it? How can I make people more comfortable with what is going on in my life. And God is so kind. He continues to show me bit by bit the path in front. Not the whole path, but just enough to keep my feet moving forward. Here is what He said;

1. The plan for you is not just for you, but for your 'community'. Your 'community' is uncomfortable because of issues in them, issues that I (God) am aware of and am working on. I want healing for all.
2. Their reactions are not your responsibility.
3. I (God) am not surprised by their reactions, just as I (God) am not surprised or caught off guard by your reactions and emotions.
4. I am your friend (wow, really liked that one...sometimes you wonder from the silence)
5. Learn from the hurt what it means to be a friend...sometimes you haven't been a good one yourself.

Ouch..that one stung. But then God in His grace showed me times when I was not a good friend. Times I didn't pick up the phone and call someone I knew was hurting. Times I said "I'll pray for you" when what was really needed was taking time to sit and talk to the person. Times I walked a different direction to avoid someone. Times I ask 'how are you' when I really only wanted to hear "okay". Times I heard "okay" when I knew that was not the truth and I didn't take time to say "no, really, how are you?" Times when I stood still when what was needed was a hug, a long hug that says 'I'll be here with you'. I could go on and on. Boy do I have some learning to do!

Jesus himself calls us friends. I have often wondered what those meetings with tax collectors, prostitutes and other 'sinners' were like. What were the conversations going on like? Pretty salty I'm sure. Yet there was Jesus - eating, talking, loving. He was a friend to the friendless, the hopeless, the hurting. He was never too busy to put His arm around someone and say "I love you". He was not scared off by their lifestyle or by their 'sins'. He embraced the person within. That is the kind of friend I want to be. To be there when times are good and when times are bad, during the smiles and the tears. I want to be a friend like Jesus is to me.

The Plan

The Plan. I have been asked that more than a few times in the last few weeks. And I have no idea. What next, when, where, how. Lots of questions and few answers. So I go to the one who is supposed to have the answers and ask "okay God, what's the plan?" And God laid it all out, day by day, hour by hour, what would happen, when it would happen; every detail....uh no. That did not happen. Instead God gave me Romans 11:33 (amplified version) 33Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unfathomable (inscrutable, unsearchable) are His judgments (His decisions)! And how untraceable (mysterious, undiscoverable) are His ways (His methods, His paths)! 34For who has known the mind of the Lord and who has understood His thoughts, or who has [ever] been His counselor? 35Or who has first given God anything that he might be paid back or that he could claim a recompense? 36For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. [For all things originate with Him and come from Him; all things live through Him, and all things center in and tend to consummate and to end in Him.] To Him be glory forever! Amen (so be it). "So God, are you telling me that THE PLAN is not for me to know? And why is THE PLAN not MY PLAN? I mean, the way I see it and have been praying, my plan makes the most sense, at least to me." I think God chuckled at me. Then the Holy Spirit let me in on a secret: I don't live in a vacuum, I live in community! God was telling me that THE PLAN for me was not for me alone. For the tentacles of God are reaching out and touching many people through this difficult time. Using this trial, God is touching family, friends, church members, and coworkers. He is tilling soil that has to this time has been hard. He is working out things in their lives, making them think, pray and commit to love. He is working on other families in trouble, giving them a glimpse of what might be. Bottom line, His PLAN is that He be glorified. How that is going to work out, I have no idea whatsoever. And I think that is what Romans 11 is saying, like Jack Nicholson to Tom Cruise, "you can't handle the truth". His ways are so far above my comprehension. The whole plan would likely make my head explode!

Last Wednesday night, the lesson at church had seven points, all of which of course related to me and what is happening. God doesn't like to waste time, He just keeps teaching me.

1. God will keep his promise no matter what.
2. God will even use adversity to position me for blessing.
3. God will not always give you all the details (man, did I hate that one!)
4. God never forgets me even when I forget him.
5. God will make sure the more I am pressured, the more I will grow.
6. The pressure is part of Gods plan.
7. My trouble will stop when its accomplished Gods purpose.

So I am changing my prayer. No longer will I pray for God to change my circumstances. Turns out that is the easy prayer to say. Now I will pray, "Lord, whatever you are doing in me, continue to do, no matter how long it takes, or the roads I must travel."

Here is a song by Sanctus Real (posted on the right hand side). Sorry, they don't have a cool video out for it yet, but give it a listen and ask God what He wants you to learn from my trial. If your reading this, your part of the community!

Sad Beyond Comprehension

Today is easily the most profoundly sad day in my life. Nothing is even a close second. While I can't blog in detail about it yet, it involves a loss so great it grieves me to my core. At times I can barely hold a steady thought, and I have few tears left. Heaviness in my heart does not begin to paint the picture.

I sat in the church parking lot, not sure if I could make it through worship this evening. But God reminded me that 'yet I was to praise Him" As the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 42
5 Why are you sad, O my soul? Why have you become troubled within me? Hope in God, for I will praise Him again for His help of being near me. 6 O my God, my soul is troubled within me. So I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the tops of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. 7 Sea calls to sea at the sound of Your waterfalls. All Your waves have rolled over me. 8 The Lord will send His loving-kindness in the day. And His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.

So despite my emotions, despite the chaos that is running circles in my mind, I will trust in the Lord and continue to praise Him. And I acknowledge, that despite what is happening in front of my eyes, God is still in control and has a plan. Tonight PT talked about the struggles in life and the sovereignty of God. So once again, I give up to Him.....yet sadness is still my visitor. And He understands and weeps with me.

The Book or The Movie?

Well, since I have not seen the movie, I'll recommend the book. 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers' is a tremendous book by Dan Merchant. Turns out ole Dan is a local guy, right here in Portland. I found his book to be both fun (laugh out loud many times) and humbling (those aren't tears, the sun is in my eye). LSUFYF takes a look at 'why the Gospel of love is dividing America'. Dan interviews Tony Campolo, Al Franken, Mike Rich (another local boy made good), Michael Reagan and others. His interview with Sister Mary Timothy is particularly good, from a "ouch, that hurts" standpoint.

Dan made a bumper sticker suit (yeah, a bumper sticker suit) and stood at congested places and talked to people. What transpires is a fascinating look at how people perceive God, the church, and Christians in particular. I could not put the book down.

http://lordsaveusthemovie.com/ Click on the link for a TEN minute preview of the movie. TEN MINUTES! Not the 30 second fillers other web sites give you, but a great look at what the whole movie will be like. Can't wait to see the whole thing.

BTA - Mothers Day Style

It's been about twenty years since my mom passed away from cancer. Started out as lung cancer and spread to her brain from there. It was not pleasant to say the least. I know, why am I blogging about something that would seem so depressing on such a day of celebration? The reason is simple, I wanted to take a moment to honor someone who took the term mother to another level, DC.

My mom came to live with us for the last three months or so of her life. Mom was frail from the moment she was assisted through the front door and no one, except God, knew how long she had left to live. She was just a shell of the lady she once was, chemo had taken its toll on her outward beauty. I can remember the very first night, when mom tried to make it to the bathroom by herself, and fell trying to sit down. I can imagine how she must have felt humiliated by having to be helped to even go to the bathroom. It was not long until mom was bedridden, wearing diapers and barely able to consume any nutrition. Her hair was long gone. Her body rail thin. Her mind, well it too was ravaged by the cancer. Often mom would sit up and hurl insults or shout curse words to those trying to help, but she had no idea what she was doing. It was not mom speaking, it was the disease that had overtaken her. It was not a pretty site.

But there was DC taking care of her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. DC was there when no one else was, talking to mom, listening when mom could talk. I don't know all that was ever said, but I am sure mom was greatly comforted by her. DC was there, fixing different foods, trying to get mom to eat anything, trying to get her to sip her Ensure. Usually there was no success, mom just didn't taste anything. I imagine that could have been very frustrating, I know to me it would have been. DC? She just kept trying. Can you imagine what it is like, as an adult, to have to have someone change your diapers? To be so helpless that you have to be cleaned up by another? Not the most pleasant of tasks for the caregiver either. But there was DC, day and night, without fail or complaint, doing just that.

I can remember the night mom died. I had been able before to make sure she knew Jesus and was ready to go, and she was. I can't prove this, but I am as sure of this as anything I know, that mom knew Jesus because she had seen Him taking care of her for the last three months. For DC looked past all the unpleasantness of the tasks, the smells of looming death, the times of cursing and simply loved mom. My mom, she loved my mom as only Jesus could. I am sure there were times when DC was exhausted, physically and mentally. But she continued on. DC helped my mom to live out her last days with dignity, when all dignity was gone. And like DP with Harold on an earlier blog, Jesus wept, leaned forward and whispered to DC: 'thanks for feeding my sheep'

Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy. My mom had nothing to give in return, but DC gave her mercy and love. Just as Jesus does.